[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Login:
Password:
New messages · Members · Forum rules · Search · RSS · Profile · Logout
  • Page 1 of 1
  • 1
Forum moderator: I_Guy, eboyd, El_Matador  
Forum » Off-Topic » Creative Writing » Mainstream story
Mainstream story
Acekat00o Date: Friday, 03/Jul/09, 5:47 AM | Message # 1

Heads
Posts: 1642
Reputation: 0
Offline
Writen this on the Slick Rick - Childrens story instrumental

Once upon a time in the new york streets
There lived a litle boy who had some peeps
He was in the cipher and what do you know
He could easily spit and had a crazy flow
The men started observing and gained an eye
When he heard of the peeps he started to cry
He got out the hood with a future in his mind
Remembering the good old days when he wasnt blind

The boy recorded and started to flow
The songs were amazing and had a blow
The young boy just started to rise
Wining fame and succes as his prize
But there was a problem that started appearing
The record label changed his inner being

Unrecognized by the hood and his peeps
The sense of coruption gave him the creeps
Making giant leaps acros his streets
Forgeting everything and waiting for treats
He started transforming into a blind idiot
From the once kind and sweet egriot

Fame and fortune quickly disapeared
Once the revered man everyone feared
Now a 40 year old with a big beard
Smeared with extrem weird-ness
Making the old saying extremly true
Dont bite more than you can chew


Graffiti
Acekat00o Date: Friday, 03/Jul/09, 5:58 AM | Message # 2

Heads
Posts: 1642
Reputation: 0
Offline
i want to expand it but can yo guys help me ?

Graffiti
eboyd Date: Friday, 03/Jul/09, 6:00 AM | Message # 3

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
only if you comment on my verse in the RHHF Children's Story thread biggrin

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

Acekat00o Date: Friday, 03/Jul/09, 6:47 AM | Message # 4

Heads
Posts: 1642
Reputation: 0
Offline
i commented biggrin

Graffiti
eboyd Date: Friday, 03/Jul/09, 6:52 AM | Message # 5

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
oh, yeah, my bad. i'll get at you tomorrow. gotta catch some shut eye. it's like 4 here lol!

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

Acekat00o Date: Saturday, 04/Jul/09, 8:38 AM | Message # 6

Heads
Posts: 1642
Reputation: 0
Offline
Quote (eboyd)
oh, yeah, my bad. i'll get at you tomorrow. gotta catch some shut eye. it's like 4 here lol!

<_<


Graffiti
eboyd Date: Saturday, 04/Jul/09, 5:43 PM | Message # 7

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
biggrin

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

eboyd Date: Saturday, 04/Jul/09, 5:46 PM | Message # 8

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
you should get rid of the last two lines or extend from before them and tack them back on later because you close it there and you really can't expand it after those lines. go into detail with what the label did then what he did, then maybe an actual encounter between him and one of his boys from the hood. i guarantee that will make it a full song.

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

EmSeeD Date: Sunday, 05/Jul/09, 10:34 PM | Message # 9

Heads
Posts: 11464
Reputation: 8
Offline
Quote (eboyd)
you should get rid of the last two lines or extend from before them and tack them back on later because you close it there and you really can't expand it after those lines. go into detail with what the label did then what he did, then maybe an actual encounter between him and one of his boys from the hood. i guarantee that will make it a full song.

i agree

Quote (Acekat00o)
Smeared with extrem weird-ness
Making the old saying extremly true

i think you should take out the word extreme, i don't think its that necessary and one word can change the whole flow, maybe you could replace it with another word. Or find another way of describing extreme weirdness i don't really like the way those words sound but its up to you, i might be wrong.


http://chirbit.com/emseed
http://youtube.com/siwooot
eboyd Date: Sunday, 05/Jul/09, 11:35 PM | Message # 10

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
I agree with that. I was actually going to say the same but I was like "nah, he's not asking for editing advice."

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

Forum » Off-Topic » Creative Writing » Mainstream story
  • Page 1 of 1
  • 1
Search: