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Forum » Off-Topic » Creative Writing » Help With A Poem I Just Wrote (1st Draft Finished)
Help With A Poem I Just Wrote (1st Draft Finished)
eboyd_ Date: Wednesday, 10/Dec/08, 10:13 PM | Message # 1

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Read the poem and tell me how I can make it better:

Every day
On my way home
I see the attrocities
That war has created:

Thousands of
My father's peers
Laid to rest,
Placed side by side.

Fought and died
For -- as they thought --
The rights and freedoms
Of the greatest country.

Their last hours
Spent in a land
Distant from home
And foreign in every sense.

Each returned
In a cedar box
To never again
See their wives or children.

And others --
Those who survived --
Were scorned by peers
For things they hadn't done.

That old man
Who mumbles and drools
With matted hair
Was a survivor,

And the other
With missing limbs
And a beggar's sign
Fought in that war.

And as before,
When they returned,
They are treated
With ill-regard.

Those that
Frowned upon them
During their ill-fated
And glum return

Failed to
Address the enemy
Who hid between
Four walls of tyrrany.

They lied
To the patriots
Who fought and died
Courageously

But didn't know
That all the while
They were fighting
For a tyrant's greed

And those
That they fought against
Were doing the same.
Ordinary people

Who had
A common cause;
They fought a war
They'd been forced into.

The war
Had not been fought
For freedom or
Emancipation.

They fought
For occupation
And subsequent
Imperialization.

So today,
As derelicts,
These honored men
Freely roam about

For that is
The only freedom
They've been granted
Since their return

And they watch
As another
Generation
Suffers the same fate.

eboyd_ Date: Wednesday, 10/Dec/08, 11:37 PM | Message # 2

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Is there some kind of new rule that says if I post any of my art it must be ignored? I made a beat a while ago and chinita left the only comment and it disappeared into oblivion and now this is slipping in the same direction.
Boner-Jamz-11 Date: Wednesday, 10/Dec/08, 11:42 PM | Message # 3

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i like it!!! props!.. idk how to help u with it though. cuz poems arn't my thing

#TeamHipster
#SWAGSWAG


TUMBLR CLICK CLICK CLICK!
eboyd_ Date: Wednesday, 10/Dec/08, 11:51 PM | Message # 4

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Thanks. At least you actually paid attention cry
LyricalContent Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 0:45 AM | Message # 5

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Quote (eboyd)
Is there some kind of new rule that says if I post any of my art it must be ignored? I made a beat a while ago and chinita left the only comment and it disappeared into oblivion and now this is slipping in the same direction.

you already know my rule on writing e, there are no X's and O's to it man each time you go back over it you going to see something different in it
i explained this to you e, it will get better as you go over it, something as small as a proof reading will make you see something different, trust me I'm trying to help you I've been writing since i was eight yrs old and I'm thirty now, i know what I'm saying might not sound politically correct but it's what I've been doing seen i was eight, i still look at poems i wrote when i was like 19 or 20 and see how i could have said something different i have rewrote some of my old stuff for people and when i finished it's not even the same poem anymore because i always end up changing things, what I'm trying to say is that you grow with each poem you write the level you was on when you wrote the doomed seed is not the level your on now and so forth and so on, so each time you go back over something it's not going to look the same to you because your on a different level see what i'm saying? as for the beat thread sorry i must have missed that one I'll go and find it and leave my comment hope i was some help to you much Luv and Respect


For the preaching of the cross is to them that
perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God
1 Cor 1:18
http:
//www.youtube.com/user/thelastgreatone


The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
is:40,8


Message edited by LyricalContent - Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 1:24 AM
eboyd_ Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 2:08 AM | Message # 6

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I'm well aware of that and I proof read and find things too. I've been doing it for the 5 short years I've been writing (and the 1 that I have been serious about it especially) and it always works. I just like getting input from others too. That is what creative writing courses, and thus forth threads too, are for. That is what they do in creative writing; you read a story/poem aloud and people give you constructive criticism. That is all I am asking for.
lgo Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 2:42 AM | Message # 7

Watchers
[quote=eboyd]I'm well aware of that and I proof read and find things too. I've been doing it for the 5 short years I've been writing (and the 1 that I have been serious about it especially) and it always works. I just like getting input from others too. That is what creative writing courses, and thus forth threads too, are for. That is what they do in creative writing; you read a story/poem aloud and people give you constructive criticism. That is all I am asking for.
[/quote]
ok i understand i'll see what i can do then i was just trying to help you hope i did somehow

Added (08/Dec/11, 2:42 Am)
---------------------------------------------
ok i when back over it, and to be honest if i were you I wouldn't change a think that was awesome for real it read more like a peace of narrative post, what are you going to call it? i love it i saw no flaws in it really wonderful job E i couldn't have done a better job

eboyd_ Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 3:19 AM | Message # 8

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Idk for sure, but I want to call it Sepulveda Pass or something like that because when I wrote it I was driving, as I usually do, over the Sepulveda Pass is LA next to the 405 and there is a massive Vietnam War grave site on the right on the way back to my house in the valley. I may subtitle it or come up with a completely different name, but as of now that is the direction I'm aiming for. I think if I work the meter a little better it will come out more fluid and poetic. It does kind of read as narrative though. That is a consequence of poetry without rhyming or heavy use of alliterations.
Deadly-Sin Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 3:24 AM | Message # 9

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I really liked this man i'm normally
not this into poetry, But this was really
well done. I couldnt stop reading it
it got me hooked...normally
il only read like the first maybe
5 lines, then get bored. in poetry
i'm not a poetry "hater" but for me
i cant find it "interesting"
but this was really nice,,,,
what make you do this one?
LyricalContent Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 8:11 PM | Message # 10

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Quote (eboyd)
It does kind of read as narrative though. That is a consequence of poetry without rhyming or heavy use of alliterations.

yeah i know that's how i write most of my stuff


For the preaching of the cross is to them that
perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God
1 Cor 1:18
http:
//www.youtube.com/user/thelastgreatone


The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
is:40,8
eboyd_ Date: Thursday, 11/Dec/08, 11:17 PM | Message # 11

Removed
Quote (Nate)
what make you do this one?

I drive by a massive Vietnam Veteran's Cemetery every day and I was sitting in my car in traffic thinking to myself "I see this everyday and never stop to pay attention" so I sat and just wondered about it for a minute and that is what I came up with.

Lord_Meth Date: Friday, 12/Dec/08, 10:05 AM | Message # 12

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Quote (eboyd)
Is there some kind of new rule that says if I post any of my art it must be ignored? I made a beat a while ago and chinita left the only comment and it disappeared into oblivion and now this is slipping in the same direction.

LMAO Erik ur the funniest guy in the world LMAO!!!!
But u wanna know the answer honestly....I dont think people have alot of time to sit and read thats wat I think at least


Sick With It
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 12/Dec/08, 10:46 AM | Message # 13

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I understand. I was just a little frustrated. Do you have aný advice? Any thoughts?
Lord_Meth Date: Friday, 12/Dec/08, 12:38 PM | Message # 14

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Quote (eboyd)
I understand. I was just a little frustrated. Do you have aný advice? Any thoughts?

Im such a hypocrite LMAO Im over here telling u y people dont read it and Im doing the same thing LMAO but Im at school right now so I cant really sit down and take it in like I want to...no offense


Sick With It
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 12/Dec/08, 1:21 PM | Message # 15

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None taken. Read it when you get a chance though plz.
Forum » Off-Topic » Creative Writing » Help With A Poem I Just Wrote (1st Draft Finished)
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