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help me!!!

LLyRiC

Date: Tuesday, 13/Oct/09, 7:16 PM | Message # 1

Emcees

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i need sum help wit this rap im writing
jus continue with where i left of and change watever u want and/or
constructive critism!!!!
please help

spontaneous flow, dont know wat ima say next/
designin rhymes in my head, i swear its like my sixth sense/
people get tense and filled with suspense, az i commence/
to dispense immense heat with words, but burns wit a sweet scent/
like insense, intense syllable symbolism to fuck wit ur subliminal/
spittin true shit that makes people cynical/
so they sugges' i keep my complex vocab to a minimal/
but fuck that, ima still spit perplexed raps/
and inject needles into peoples cerebral with knowledge
to feed the minds that are feeble/......

L.L.y.R.i.C.

L.et L.oose Y.our R.eal I.nner C.reativity

spreading the word through my music
that real true hip hop that i love

Adam

Date: Tuesday, 13/Oct/09, 7:32 PM | Message # 2

B-Girls

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Do you even know what your saying? You pretty just said complex like 10 times. All I'm reading is just "stuff." I'd scrap that, and take a few weeks to understand how little feeling, and how little substance those words contain. The line, "but fuck that, ima still spit perplexed raps/," was left out in the cold, as well as, "and inject needles into peoples cerebral with knowledge," and, "to feed the minds that are feeble/." unless knowledge was to go with feeble which it doesn't. You got a few run ons as well. Overall the theme of my post is that complex doesn't = good.

I JUST EXPLODED INTO RAINBOWS AND LOLLIPOPS!

LLyRiC

Date: Tuesday, 13/Oct/09, 9:51 PM | Message # 3

Emcees

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i only said complex once
and i jus pressed enter because the line waz gonna be long
its one bar though az u can see cuhz i broke them up wit /

L.L.y.R.i.C.

L.et L.oose Y.our R.eal I.nner C.reativity

spreading the word through my music
that real true hip hop that i love

El_Matador

Date: Tuesday, 13/Oct/09, 10:16 PM | Message # 4

Heads

Posts: 3347

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Quote (LLyRiC)

jus continue with where i left

why dont you finish your stuff and then ask for help?

MENACE 2 JOKER: Go back to Mexico you damn spic
JOKER 2 MENACE: Shut up you fake nigga your a damn sand nigger not a full nigger

EmSeeD

Date: Tuesday, 13/Oct/09, 10:39 PM | Message # 5

Heads

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Quote (LLyRiC)

people get tense and filled with suspense, az i commence/
to dispense immense heat with words, but burns wit a sweet scent/

to make it flow better you should end it with a word that rhymes with "words"

"dispense immense heat with words, it burn with a scent sweet (word that rhymes with words, converge? imerge? turns?)

and yeah change it from sweet scent to scent sweet so that it rhymes better with immense heat.

i think maybe you should record it and listen to it for a while, keep writing and you'll see things you can improve on.

Quote (Adam)

"and inject needles into peoples cerebral with knowledge," and, "to feed the minds that are feeble/." unless knowledge was to go with feeble which it doesn't.

feeble wasn't supposed to rhyme with knowledge it rhymed was supposed to rhyme with needles, cerebral which it did

http://chirbit.com/emseed
http://youtube.com/siwooot

I_Guy

Date: Tuesday, 13/Oct/09, 11:52 PM | Message # 6

Heads

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Once you have something you want to say, things will fall in place for you. You are still in the abstract stage, (which is okay). You'll grow out of it and it won't be as hard for you. The rhyming will become the least of your problems. The concepts will become the focus (which I guess is hard in a different way).

We all know that each of our end is near; the question is do we accept the end of our living existence, or do we accept our existence as dead men...

LLyRiC

Date: Wednesday, 14/Oct/09, 0:13 AM | Message # 7

Emcees

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thankz for the advice to all

Added (14/Oct/09, 0:13 Am)
---------------------------------------------

Quote (Joker13)

i counted once. maybe get your eyes checked ?

rite??!!!
dumbass foo lol

L.L.y.R.i.C.

L.et L.oose Y.our R.eal I.nner C.reativity

spreading the word through my music
that real true hip hop that i love

Adam

Date: Wednesday, 14/Oct/09, 7:27 AM | Message # 8

B-Girls

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I didn't mean complex that fucking literal... Thats all I got out of it though. "spontaneous flow, dont know wat ima say next/, "like insense, intense syllable symbolism to fuck wit ur subliminal/," "but fuck that, ima still spit perplexed raps/." All suggest complexity.

I JUST EXPLODED INTO RAINBOWS AND LOLLIPOPS!

Message edited by Adam - Wednesday, 14/Oct/09, 7:34 AM

Adam

Date: Wednesday, 14/Oct/09, 5:57 PM | Message # 9

B-Girls

Posts: 3793

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Its just to repetitive, and the topic gives no feel. I'm not saying its just crap all together. Maybe he could space out the lines acknowledging his lyrical capabilities, and add some substance in between to keep someones attention. And I can think up a few things to rap about other than complexity, you can to

I JUST EXPLODED INTO RAINBOWS AND LOLLIPOPS!

Emseed

Date: Wednesday, 14/Oct/09, 6:33 PM | Message # 10

Watchers

i make verses like this too that i know are just talking shit about myself though but yeah, i just leave it for a long time and months later i change things or scrap them, i think you should keep this though

"spontaneous flow, dont know wat ima say next/
design rhymes in my head,
i swear its like my sixth sense/
(something that rhymes with "like my") get tense with suspense, az i commence/
dispense immense heat with words,
that burns wit a scent sweet (emerge?)/
like insense, intense syllable symbolism to fuck wit ur subliminal/
(something that rhymes with symbolism?) spittin true it makes the people cynical/
so they sugges' i keep my complex vocab to a minimal/
but fuck that, ima still spit perplexed raps/
(something that rhymes with raps) injecting needles in peoples cerebral packed with knowledge
(something that rhymes with "knowledge"?) to feed the minds that are feeble/......"

Added (14/Oct/09, 6:32 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
and yeah its a rhyme just talking about yourself etc but so what sometimes that okay now and then

Added (14/Oct/09, 6:33 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
but that's just my suggestion some things that i would do

help me!!!

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