...And So I Sleep At Night
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eboyd |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 7:07 AM | Message # 1 |
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Posts: 13145
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Constructive crit is welcome, appreciated, and even encouraged. Here's the poem: ...And So I Sleep At Night This wretched tingle That bears itself upon my chest And claws it's way Around my back And plants it's roots into my neck; A solemn night Whose somber moon does not rest But fades to black And torments my dreams Without any sign of compassion or reck -- Thrashes about Like wolves ripping fangs through dry flesh, And presses itself Through my temples, Penetrating into my mind's deepest depths. It winds till taut My mind until each mesh Becoming one And the same Filling my ego in it's breadth. It is my grim reaper, Driving it's pitchfork through the back of my skull; My succubus, Prying from my grip the very essence of my soul. It creeps into my room During the nights that are most quiet And turns the tranquil moments Into the most deafening silence. A beast That haunts with many faces in my dreams; Whether writhes about Like serpents Or to my thoughts it clings, It remains, unfaltering. Within my conscience it gleams Revisiting With every moment And every bit of pain it brings. Hesitant I remain To admit some things at times. But what I hold Is the key To the safe-hold I've built in my mind. A rotten truth Lies within this pile of grime, Yet I'm relieved When I accept That this monster is my Frankenstein. And so I gain equilibrium Allowing me my needed rest. Eyelids gently caress each other To the lullaby of melodic breaths, And then I wake in early morning Filled with life deep in my chest; A vibrant world lies at my feet And so this beast has met it's death.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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El_Matador |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 6:21 PM | Message # 16 |
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Posts: 3347
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Quote (eboyd) oh, ok. what was the monster's name? It was a nameless creature, that's why people named it with a Victor's last name. Quote (eboyd) "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" Damn, I thought you wrote "Alfred Hitchcock" here. LMAO! Quote (eboyd) there's nothing wrong with using names. bruh, like I told you, Im just having a feeling that "Frankenstein" dont fit with the rest
MENACE 2 JOKER: Go back to Mexico you damn spic JOKER 2 MENACE: Shut up you fake nigga your a damn sand nigger not a full nigger
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eboyd |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 6:23 PM | Message # 17 |
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Posts: 13145
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Quote (El_Matador) It was a nameless creature, that's why people named it with a Victor's last name. ah, there we go. Quote (El_Matador) bruh, like I told you, Im just having a feeling that "Frankenstein" dont fit with the rest i feel you. i'll see what i can do.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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El_Matador |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 6:29 PM | Message # 18 |
Heads
Posts: 3347
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Quote (eboyd) i feel you. i'll see what i can do. oh yea, let's see
MENACE 2 JOKER: Go back to Mexico you damn spic JOKER 2 MENACE: Shut up you fake nigga your a damn sand nigger not a full nigger
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eboyd |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 7:01 PM | Message # 19 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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Lol! .....?
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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El_Matador |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 7:32 PM | Message # 20 |
Heads
Posts: 3347
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Quote (eboyd) Lol! biggrin .....? huh lets see what you can do. lolol
MENACE 2 JOKER: Go back to Mexico you damn spic JOKER 2 MENACE: Shut up you fake nigga your a damn sand nigger not a full nigger
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eboyd |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 7:38 PM | Message # 21 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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"That this monster is my Frankenstein." can turn into "That this creation is mine." OHHH! TAKE THAT BITCH!!!
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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El_Matador |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 7:44 PM | Message # 22 |
Heads
Posts: 3347
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Quote (eboyd) "That this creation is mine." Or "That this creature\monster\motherfucker\demon" is mine? Quote (eboyd) OHHH! TAKE THAT BITCH!!!
MENACE 2 JOKER: Go back to Mexico you damn spic JOKER 2 MENACE: Shut up you fake nigga your a damn sand nigger not a full nigger
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eboyd |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 7:53 PM | Message # 23 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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True
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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EmSeeD |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 8:03 PM | Message # 24 |
Heads
Posts: 11464
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why don't you just say "this monster is my creation"
http://chirbit.com/emseed http://youtube.com/siwooot
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eboyd |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 8:03 PM | Message # 25 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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Because of the rhyme scheme
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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EmSeeD |
Date: Monday, 06/Jul/09, 8:37 PM | Message # 26 |
Heads
Posts: 11464
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Quote (eboyd) Lies within this pile of grime, Yet I'm relieved When I accept That this monster is my Frankenstein. you could change both "lies within this pile of grime" and "frankenstein" so it would rhyme
http://chirbit.com/emseed http://youtube.com/siwooot
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eboyd |
Date: Tuesday, 07/Jul/09, 4:34 AM | Message # 27 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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Quote (EmSeeD) you could change both "lies within this pile of grime" and "frankenstein" so it would rhyme .....so?
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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EmSeeD |
Date: Tuesday, 07/Jul/09, 4:52 AM | Message # 28 |
Heads
Posts: 11464
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just saying if you want to change the frankenstein thing you'd have to change both, i'm not gonna make any suggestions, only for the last one to be creation, if you want to change it that is.
http://chirbit.com/emseed http://youtube.com/siwooot
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eboyd |
Date: Tuesday, 07/Jul/09, 4:54 AM | Message # 29 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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Quote (EmSeeD) just saying if you want to change the frankenstein thing you'd have to change both, i'm not gonna make any suggestions, only for the last one to be creation, if you want to change it that is. i feel you. do you think i should change it though or does "Frankenstein" work?
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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EmSeeD |
Date: Tuesday, 07/Jul/09, 4:56 AM | Message # 30 |
Heads
Posts: 11464
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its not really a big deal to me, i see what el matador is saying that it doesn't fit in but i think it can still work.
http://chirbit.com/emseed http://youtube.com/siwooot
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