[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Login:
Password:
New messages · Members · Forum rules · Search · RSS · Profile · Logout
  • Page 3 of 3
  • «
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
Forum moderator: El_Matador, Aristotle, s0dr2  
Forum » RHHF Artists/Battlers » The Cypher » Help A Brotha Out! (write a verse and get insight on how to make it better)
Help A Brotha Out!
eboyd Date: Friday, 16/Jan/09, 4:02 AM | Message # 1

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
Do you have a verse, track, etc., that is almost ready to be put on a beat but needs a little bit of editing advice? Write your verse here and people will review it for you and give advice on how you can fix it and make it better.

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

Uncharted Date: Tuesday, 24/Mar/09, 5:14 PM | Message # 31

Watchers
My durability and agility is so quick/
That’s why people don’t hear me/
Demostrate how to wreak tragedy in ones mind/
Its like hurricane Katrina in another world/
The lyrics already having regards/
My retirement is more untrustworthy than Brett Farve’s /
Illmatic are profound/
It romes around the world/
Come within a million miles in sight/
Shoot out toxic gas from its lyrical content/
The toxic gas is so hot it melts your feet to the ground/
It doesn’t just affect you by melting your feet /
But it can go through you and affect you chemically/
Cuts so deep through your heart and soul/
It affects people spiritually/
I’m about to explode to a whole another demension/
Not even my own state of mind can’t mention/
I am the definition of your deadliest compitention/
I am the definition of your deadliest competitor/
Each bar the tension of thought gets heavier/
My soul can connect to everybody like its celluar/
Words become bigger words every time I write them
down with a pencil/
All the spine shaking words comes essential
I rule all and think of notorious deeds like Castro
The reason why I rap slow
Because I read the coregraphed steps of life in a sacred
capsule/
Uncharted, get this whole generation vanguard
Here to make sure hip hop is guarded/
My flow is unflappable/
Sometimes it can be classical/
My language could be unrashinal/
Nit it will definitely break yo wreak ass clavicle/
Leave my opponents in their beds with no hope/
Knowing the next day they battle me they might choke/
Also knowing that I don’t have to rhyme, It’ll still come out
dope/
NASA cant even see it through their strongest telescope/
My shit spits hotter than a tri beam/
Don’t blame me I’m just young and nieve/
Niggas say may intelligence is more addictive than narcotics/
A dictionary with a million words mixed with ebonics/
I can make my life into a whole big show/
Force niggas to throw their dicks into whales blow holes/
Every single one of my flows are hot/
wont stop burning the mic till im on top/

HELP Me out

SP1K3 Date: Wednesday, 03/Jun/09, 7:13 PM | Message # 32

Rappers
Posts: 6
Reputation: 0
Offline
These philosophies full of hypocrisy,
Self contradictory, like a dictatorship democracy,
The policies overseas are no different,
Then the high school politics daily that we live in,
And it’s no different with adults backfired assaults,
With twisted logic follow cliques like a cult,
I trigger my assault rifle at the bible,
For these homophobic bigots and critics that don’t get it,
So acidic that it melts minds, on point like turbines,
Step on me, I’ll blow up like a land mine,
So divine I can stop then rewind time,
Just to get mine then give you a piece of my mind,
So refined you can call me a classic,
And I’m so passionate you can call me an addict
Matter fact, call me what you please,
But these high school mind tricks never get me on my knees,
The seas of people in celebration of the evil,
The deceitful mentality, where love can be come cerebral,
The sequel is medieval, technologically built,
But the mind’s still fighting, like a man in a kilt,
The gun is the hilt, the bullets the blade,
Strike with words that degrade and turn nerdy kids into slaves,
These the days of the parting of ways,
Between those who are slaves, and those who are slain,
And If I slay this hate,
Then I meet my fate at the pearliest of gates,
But If I become fake, another drop in the lake,
Of blood, I just pray for my soul to my awake,
I take this pill, If I don’t then I will,
Swallow it like my pride, so I show love still,
And I sprint, keep on running up the steep hill,
To break down the walls, that separate us still,

Be brutal XD


MCL
"Things aint gon always go right, look at it like, yo this aint yo day, but this yo life, and LIVE!" - Royce da 5'9
Furious_Pryme Date: Thursday, 04/Jun/09, 3:46 AM | Message # 33

Removed
Quote (SP1K3)
Be brutal XD

That was fucking wack! dude lil wayne has waaaay
better lyrics then that wack verse! lmao! biggrin Just jokin with ya
that was Shella Dopematical! (means:Extreamly Dope)

Quote (eboyd)
Do you have a verse, track, etc., that is almost ready to be put on a beat but needs a little bit of editing advice? Write your verse here and people will review it for you and give advice on how you can fix it and make it better

Now thats a wack verse,,lmfao biggrin
Uncharted Date: Thursday, 04/Jun/09, 10:23 AM | Message # 34

Emcees
Posts: 4766
Reputation: 1
Offline
Quote (Uncharted)
My durability and agility is so quick/
That’s why people don’t hear me/
Demostrate how to wreak tragedy in ones mind/
Its like hurricane Katrina in another world/
The lyrics already having regards/
My retirement is more untrustworthy than Brett Farve’s /
Illmatic are profound/
It romes around the world/
Come within a million miles in sight/
Shoot out toxic gas from its lyrical content/
The toxic gas is so hot it melts your feet to the ground/
It doesn’t just affect you by melting your feet /
But it can go through you and affect you chemically/
Cuts so deep through your heart and soul/
It affects people spiritually/
I’m about to explode to a whole another demension/
Not even my own state of mind can’t mention/
I am the definition of your deadliest compitention/
I am the definition of your deadliest competitor/
Each bar the tension of thought gets heavier/
My soul can connect to everybody like its celluar/
Words become bigger words every time I write them
down with a pencil/
All the spine shaking words comes essential
I rule all and think of notorious deeds like Castro
The reason why I rap slow
Because I read the coregraphed steps of life in a sacred
capsule/
Uncharted, get this whole generation vanguard
Here to make sure hip hop is guarded/
My flow is unflappable/
Sometimes it can be classical/
My language could be unrashinal/
Nit it will definitely break yo wreak ass clavicle/
Leave my opponents in their beds with no hope/
Knowing the next day they battle me they might choke/
Also knowing that I don’t have to rhyme, It’ll still come out
dope/
NASA cant even see it through their strongest telescope/
My shit spits hotter than a tri beam/
Don’t blame me I’m just young and nieve/
Niggas say may intelligence is more addictive than narcotics/
A dictionary with a million words mixed with ebonics/
I can make my life into a whole big show/
Force niggas to throw their dicks into whales blow holes/
Every single one of my flows are hot/
wont stop burning the mic till im on top/

REPROOF!!!!!


....
Acekat00o Date: Tuesday, 20/Oct/09, 4:20 PM | Message # 35

Heads
Posts: 1642
Reputation: 0
Offline
Quote (eboyd)
Help A Brotha Out!

Coming from a white man :p


Graffiti
ritesofpasage Date: Tuesday, 02/Mar/10, 5:12 PM | Message # 36

DJs
Posts: 222
Reputation: 0
Offline
Numerical Acrobatics

Firsthand accounts we shout facts no fiction the first man/
from the first fam first to walk the earth first on the first land/
Second representing seconds lost the tick tock across/
no seconds needed believe it when we repeat it seconds protecting exhaust/
Third eye a third of the third supply thrid leg hurts when this third mind thrist to rhyme/
Encounters of the fourth kind fore! before the four score tour history of folklore to master the mystery of four chords/
Five percent spoke for a fifth with a five finger lift of the gift/
but how I know this exists leave it I plead the fifth/
Six shooters shift to fix on the six six six to send the beast back to the brink then over the tip/
Seven lands sink when seven ships from seven seas bring things to the new world order's matrix of think/
Octamom only one fucking with this scripts figure eight shit on the nine lives subtracting the miss/
And a decade of hits decadence advance by the tens just the exponent on the binge you can do the numbers by the end/


Check out my melody faithfulness is the fidelity of my soundtrack to that of the heavenlies.....
thessad Date: Tuesday, 02/Mar/10, 9:56 PM | Message # 37

Writers
Posts: 50
Reputation: 0
Offline
Quote (Lord_Meth)
Im unorganized like a gang but in control like a mob Saying you're unorganized isn't really bragging, decent opener nonetheless
Itll take more than a ankle sprain to keep me from eating Ace's palm Huh? What does eating his palm mean? Anyway, the ankle/palm thing isn't all that great. Don't know if this is going over my head or what though
With a left turn, its a dead end, reverse theres no going back Okay opener, could be a bit more direct.
Split ya lip like a snake and artificially seal it back the split ya lip like a snake part hardly makes sense since it's a snake's tongue that splits, this works okay as a "brutal line" but could be much harder, and there's probably a better word or two you could have used in place of "artificially"
I ripped u before so therefore I sentence u to death with Horrorcore Doesn't make much sense, weak opener.
Visions as deadly as Vietnam, but clean as PG-13 porn The second simile is weak, the first is okay but would really only work if you had something relating to Vietnam or just a much doper second half of the line
A headbang with a mallet, U asked for it so now u have it Another weak opener, just doesn't connect hard
Cut off the Kat's circulation with Romania Tourist Packet LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! You're going to cut off his circulation with a... pamphlet? How?

Pretty mediocre verse, you only had one real personal unless you count "I ripped you before." The punches don't hit hard and some of it just doesn't make sense.

Edit: Just noticed how old this is. Hope you don't mind year late feedback lol


.

Message edited by thessad - Tuesday, 02/Mar/10, 9:58 PM
Erratic-Methodz Date: Tuesday, 11/Jan/11, 6:55 AM | Message # 38

Beatboxers
Posts: 181
Reputation: 0
Offline
My whole life they've been telling to fight for the system with live in/
Drivin by the people who fought facism escaped the holocaust but got lost in
these prism's, I live my life like a man in prison watching his back/
There's no stoping the only option is too fight for our freedom/
despite all the demons, no rest no time for day dreaming/ take a deep breath
then it's hate where inhaling.

Methodz


..............

Message edited by Erratic-Methodz - Tuesday, 11/Jan/11, 6:57 AM
Ratmn Date: Tuesday, 11/Jan/11, 4:25 PM | Message # 39

DJs
Posts: 779
Reputation: 0
Offline
Quote (Erratic-Methodz)
take a deep breath then it's hate where inhaling.

'Twas good until THAT part. It doesn't connect well with the rest of the verse. Besides that, it's cool



Anime-Planet.com - anime | manga | reviews
eboyd Date: Wednesday, 12/Jan/11, 0:01 AM | Message # 40

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
i had to sit and think about that one for a second. i'm not really talking about the lyrics because while they were sort of abstract, the message was pretty straight forward, but i was thinking about the flow. i had to rap it and do it in a style that was faster than even i expected but the meter actually works. the lyrics are on point for sure and if you can handle the flow, it could work over a beat as a part of a verse depending on how you deliver it. however, in terms of flow, i agree with ratmn, the last line doesn't fit. it throws the flow off a bit. the line itself works in terms of meaning and is actually a pretty dope way of putting what you are saying, and maybe you can use it in that exact form somewhere later on in your verse, but it just doesn't fit right there.

my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

EmSeeD Date: Wednesday, 12/Jan/11, 10:15 PM | Message # 41

Heads
Posts: 11464
Reputation: 8
Offline
Quote (Erratic-Methodz)
My whole life they've been telling to fight for the system with live in/
Drivin by the people who fought facism escaped the holocaust but got lost in
these prism's, I live my life like a man in prison watching his back/
There's no stoping the only option is too fight for our freedom/
despite all the demons, no rest no time for day dreaming/ take a deep breath
then it's hate where inhaling.

the last lines flow can work if you just make a small edit to it eg:

My whole life they've been telling us to fight for the system we live in/
Drivin by the people who fought facism escaped the holocaust
but got lost in these prism's,
I live my life like a man watching his back in prison/
There's no stoping the only option is too fight for our freedom/
despite all the demons, no rest or time for day dreaming/
if I take a deep breath then it's hate we're inhaling.

if i say it like that it flows for me but idk if inhaling rhymes with "dreaming" and "freedom", it might do when you say it

as you see i switched around the "i live my life like a man in prison watching his back" because "back" didn't rhyme with any of the other words you used, but to get it to rhyme all you need to do is switch around the order

it flows ok like that for me in a capella way

another way

My whole life they've been telling to fight for the system with live in/
Drivin by the people who fought facism
escaped the holocaust but got lost in these prism's,
I live my life like a man
in prison watching his back/
There's no stoping the only option is too fight for our freedom/
despite all the demons, no time for day dreaming/
take a deep breath then it's hate where inhaling.


http://chirbit.com/emseed
http://youtube.com/siwooot
eboyd Date: Wednesday, 12/Jan/11, 10:39 PM | Message # 42

Heads
Posts: 13145
Reputation: 2
Offline
Quote (EmSeeD)
as you see i switched around the "i live my life like a man in prison watching his back" because "back" didn't rhyme with any of the other words you used, but to get it to rhyme all you need to do is switch around the order

i actually liked it when it didn't rhyme. it gave the line a distinct awkwardness that actually accents his lyrics. it makes the listener feel like something just isn't right and it just works that way imo.


my new theme song



erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

Forum » RHHF Artists/Battlers » The Cypher » Help A Brotha Out! (write a verse and get insight on how to make it better)
  • Page 3 of 3
  • «
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
Search: