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Egotism
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 1:00 AM | Message # 16 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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bumpagain! 
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
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| Chinita |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 1:46 AM | Message # 17 |
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Posts: 5823
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Quote (eboyd) i'm not just making one statement, i'm asking several questions and stating several things. it's about egotism but it's also about the philosophy of life, depression, overcoming depression
so true, it makes several statements, so many can relate to this poem in different ways..it has alot of meaning to it, great message all in just 4 paragraphs..i think its excellent..
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 1:52 AM | Message # 18 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Quote (LadyChinita) paragraphs stanzas. you didn't know though. it's cool. thanks. i appreciate it.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| I_Guy |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 4:55 AM | Message # 19 |
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Posts: 1792
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There's only a couple things, but they're little things.
Quote (eboyd)
Every supposed
Selfless act
Based on pride?
I would have reworded it. Maybe a more powerful word than supposed. That's just me though. Quote (eboyd) Through all my hardships,
I still wish
That life was eternal.
I guess I'm truly selfish inside.
Here as well I would have replaced wish with something more yearning. I don't know what you could use though. Because eternal life is such a huge/powerful desire that I wouldn't use the common "wish." Simply for the reason people use it so casually, you know "I wish I could get off work early," or "I wish I didn't have so much homework." You know shit like that, when people just throw the word around on tedious unimportant things. Beings the desire for eternal life is so much stronger and valuable, I would use a word that more parallels this situation and the concept.
We all know that each of our end is near; the question is do we accept the end of our living existence, or do we accept our existence as dead men...
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:17 AM | Message # 20 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Thanks man. Yeah, you're absolutely right.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:25 AM | Message # 21 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Alright, how does this sound: 1. "They say suicide is selfish
But aren't we all
A bit self-centered;
Even apparently
Selfless acts
Based on pride?" 2. "Through all my hardships,
I still yearn
For my life to be eternal.
I guess I'm truly selfish inside."
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| s0dr2 |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:34 AM | Message # 22 |
OGs
Posts: 2772
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You're not selfish if you seek the Kingdom of God 
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain
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| 11thPlague |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:36 AM | Message # 23 |
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Quote (sodr2) You're not selfish if you seek the Kingdom of God LOL
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:45 AM | Message # 24 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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 Seriously though man, you know I don't believe in that. Look at the poem and my corrections objectively, not subjectively, and tell me if you think it is well written and if the corrections will work better.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| s0dr2 |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:54 AM | Message # 25 |
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OGs
Posts: 2772
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Well I forgot......how about......same syllables per line? more professional zat way
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain
Message edited by sodr2 - Monday, 09/Mar/09, 11:54 AM
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 12:06 PM | Message # 26 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Nah, I'm long past that style. That is a very archaic style. You will see a few newer poets writing like that but when you think of that you usually think Shakespeare, Donne, Blake, etc. Newer poets usually are more on this style called free verse. Not that I am trying to emulate anyone else, but I have to keep it fresh and the style I used here is different from anything I've ever heard. Thanks for the advice though, and btw, I have written a traditional 14 line, 10 syllable per line sonnet before.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 5:10 PM | Message # 27 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Quote (eboyd) Alright, how does this sound:
1.
"They say suicide is selfish
But aren't we all
A bit self-centered;
Even apparently
Selfless acts
Based on pride?"
2.
"Through all my hardships,
I still yearn
For my life to be eternal.
I guess I'm truly selfish inside."
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| eboyd |
Date: Monday, 09/Mar/09, 5:12 PM | Message # 28 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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so here's what the alternate version will look like: Egotism They say suicide is selfish
But aren't we all
A bit self-centered;
Even apparently
Selfless acts
Based on pride? Could it not be said
That every action
Is a reaction of egotism?
We are all truly selfish inside. I've had thoughts of bringing
My life to an end--
To begin my eternal sleep--
But would I
Truly benefit
From my demise? Through all my hardships,
I still yearn
For my life to be eternal.
I guess I'm truly selfish inside.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| eboyd |
Date: Tuesday, 10/Mar/09, 4:00 AM | Message # 29 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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come on i_guy, i need your opinion here.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| I_Guy |
Date: Tuesday, 10/Mar/09, 4:10 AM | Message # 30 |
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Heads
Posts: 1792
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Quote (eboyd) Even apparently
Selfless acts
Based on pride?
I think it's all good except for the above. Something just doesn't flow/sound right. I think removing "even apparently" makes it sound good but that messes up your stanza structure. I could be wrong, I need someone else's opinion against mine to be sure.
We all know that each of our end is near; the question is do we accept the end of our living existence, or do we accept our existence as dead men...
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