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Untitled Poem I Need Help With

eboyd_

Date: Sunday, 28/Dec/08, 4:30 PM | Message # 31

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Alright, so my dad says the stone in the poem doesn't fit or it's a weak metaphor. What do you guys think? Any ideas on how to fix it?

LyricalContent

Date: Sunday, 28/Dec/08, 10:18 PM | Message # 32

Emcees

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Quote (eboyd)

Alright, so my dad says the stone in the poem doesn't fit or it's a weak metaphor. What do you guys think? Any ideas on how to fix it?

well I think it depends on what the reader sees, like if it's a stone you would see in the park or something of that nature or a corner stone that is needed to build a structure of some sort or something like that, now if the reader sees the latter then it's not really a weak metaphor because you can't build a structure without a corner stone, see what I'm saying? you want to leave room to let the reader get something personal out of it, what one person might see in it the next person might see something totally different

For the preaching of the cross is to them that
perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God
1 Cor 1:18
http:
//www.youtube.com/user/thelastgreatone

The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
is:40,8

Message edited by LyricalContent - Sunday, 28/Dec/08, 10:36 PM

eboyd_

Date: Sunday, 28/Dec/08, 11:06 PM | Message # 33

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Thanks. That's good advice. I'm still going to try a few other metaphors and see if they work better.

eboyd

Date: Saturday, 31/Oct/09, 9:36 PM | Message # 34

Heads

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Damn, I forgot to mention that I finished thisa while ago lol! Here's the finished version:

The shadow
That one casts
Will fade as he passes.

If he carves his name
Into the sky
His mark will be inscribed
Forever in it's place.

And I am thinking I may start a series of poems called "Virtues" and consider this the first installment. This will be called "Virtue #1". What do you guys think?

my new theme song

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"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

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eboyd

Date: Saturday, 31/Oct/09, 9:43 PM | Message # 35

Heads

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Thanks. What do you think of the title? Btw, this took me months to write!

my new theme song

erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

eboyd

Date: Saturday, 31/Oct/09, 9:54 PM | Message # 36

Heads

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Ok.... That didn't seem like an entirely positive response. You think I should do better?

my new theme song

erikboyd60@hotmail.com

"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"

-T.S. Eliot

battle record:

7-0-0

Untitled Poem I Need Help With

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