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Forum moderator: I_Guy, eboyd, El_Matador  
Forum » Off-Topic » Creative Writing » Untitled Poem I Need Help With
Untitled Poem I Need Help With
Which of these two versions is better?
1.Version 1[ 7 ][100.00%]
2.Version 2[ 0 ][0.00%]
Answers total: 7
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 5:58 PM | Message # 1

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Here's the first (longer) version:

The shadow
That one casts
Will fade as he passes.

If he strikes a stone
Along the way
His mark will be inscribed
Forever in it's place.

And here's the second version:

The shadow
That one casts
Will fade as he passes.

If he strikes a stone
Along the way
His mark will be
inscribed forever.

Acekat00o Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:00 PM | Message # 2

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1 version sounds more epic and literate

Graffiti
Acekat00o Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:01 PM | Message # 3

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and btw erik can i upload your cipher and battle verses in Deviant Art for promoting the site? il give you credt

Graffiti
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:05 PM | Message # 4

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Yes, but what is Deviant Art?
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:23 PM | Message # 5

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Anyone else want to share their opinion?
Acekat00o Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:43 PM | Message # 6

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Quote (eboyd)
Yes, but what is Deviant Art?

www.deviantart.com its an art site whre you can upload your own art/literature/any tipe of art ,it has over 30 milion members


Graffiti
LyricalContent Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:45 PM | Message # 7

Emcees
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I like the first one, the "in it's place" is a better lead off it will give the reader/hearer a better since of direction

For the preaching of the cross is to them that
perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God
1 Cor 1:18
http:
//www.youtube.com/user/thelastgreatone


The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
is:40,8
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:46 PM | Message # 8

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OK. In that case, can you show some of my poetry and my music too?
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 6:48 PM | Message # 9

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Thanks LGO. Everyone else is telling me the same. What do you think overall? Any ideas for a name? I'm stumped.
LyricalContent Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:03 PM | Message # 10

Emcees
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"Casting Shadows" but that was off the top of the head i usually come up with my title first and then form my words around the title so i'm a lil different but I think some thing in that area would be good that was just to give you an idea you can play with it and see what you come up with
hope that helped


For the preaching of the cross is to them that
perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God
1 Cor 1:18
http:
//www.youtube.com/user/thelastgreatone


The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
is:40,8


Message edited by LyricalContent - Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:04 PM
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:06 PM | Message # 11

Removed
Thanks. That's helpful. That is an interesting method you use btw. Keeps your style unique. I like that. That way you have a set concept. I should try that sometime.
Boner-Jamz-11 Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:08 PM | Message # 12

Rappers
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1st version

#TeamHipster
#SWAGSWAG


TUMBLR CLICK CLICK CLICK!
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:10 PM | Message # 13

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Thanks Blaze. How about "Marks & Shadows"?
LyricalContent Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:16 PM | Message # 14

Emcees
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yeah do that and see what you come up with, but the only thing is you don't have a lot of room to work with cause like you said the concept is pretty much set right from the beginning

Added (08/Dec/26, 7:16 Pm)
---------------------------------------------

Quote (eboyd)
How about "Marks & Shadows"?

that's nice i like that


For the preaching of the cross is to them that
perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God
1 Cor 1:18
http:
//www.youtube.com/user/thelastgreatone


The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the Word of our God shall stand forever
is:40,8
eboyd_ Date: Friday, 26/Dec/08, 7:17 PM | Message # 15

Removed
Yeah. Thanks for the help. Any constructive criticism here?
Forum » Off-Topic » Creative Writing » Untitled Poem I Need Help With
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