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Help Me Edit My New Poem
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 1:02 AM | Message # 1 |
Heads
Posts: 13145
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Try to guess what it's about, then help me edit it... The Doomed Seed Within this soil was planted a seed,
A seed that was to grow,
And grow it did -- it did indeed;
It grew beyond our wildest dreams
From bud to bush with roses of red,
But upon closer view thorns adorned their stems.
And so it grew and did not cease
Until it grew beyond its garden
And stole into its neighbor's soil
And took its place without a pardon. As time went on more thorns arose,
And the buds began to wither,
And the red shade of each rose
Changed to violet as they closed,
But the bushes grew and grew,
Though much too large and quite askew.
It weathered winters far too cold
And summers far too hot,
And though others endured
They were but a small lot. Now it is winter again,
But this time it is colder,
And the storms have yet to subside,
And its branches have brittled as it's gotten older.
Others will perish unless with haste
A new seed is planted in its place.
So long past this winter,
Upon the vernal equinox,
A new seed must be planted
Among this teeming rot.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| EmSeeD |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 1:17 AM | Message # 2 |
Heads
Posts: 11464
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is it about life? your life?
http://chirbit.com/emseed
http://youtube.com/siwooot
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 1:29 AM | Message # 3 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Nope. Here's a hint; I mentioned 'soil' in the first line. What soil could I be referring to? I live on ________ soil.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 1:47 AM | Message # 4 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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600th post. Also the post I'm using to subscribe to answers to this thread.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| EmSeeD |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 2:02 AM | Message # 5 |
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Heads
Posts: 11464
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Quote (eboyd) 600th post. Also the post I'm using to subscribe to answers to this thread. subscribe to answers? btw i think i figured it out, its about america
http://chirbit.com/emseed
http://youtube.com/siwooot
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 2:26 AM | Message # 6 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Yes, you can subscribe to threads so you receive emails. Right... But what about America? It's not just America, it is a specific aspect of it. I am comparing that aspect of it to this rose bush. So what do you think?
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| Deadly-Sin |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 3:32 AM | Message # 7 |
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Removed
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Quote (eboyd) Right... But what about America? It's not just America, it is a specific aspect of it. I am comparing that aspect of it to this rose bush. So what do you think?
The government? n bush?
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| Menace |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 8:35 AM | Message # 8 |
Heads
Posts: 6764
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Quote (Kriptah-Knite) Within this soil was planted a seed,
A seed that was to grow,
And grow it did -- it did indeed;
It grew beyond the wildest of dreams
From bud to bush with roses of red,
But upon closer view thorns adorned their stems.
And so it grew and did not cease
And took its place without a pardon. the first verse is about how america came to be the seed is america and and how it grows and how it grown to be a world power but u say But upon closer view thorns adorned their stems as in the perfection that people present america like is not real if u look closer and u simply present how america stole the land from the indians and about americas imperialistic policies cause u say Until it grew beyond its garden And stole into its neighbor's soil and that says it all and the last part And took its place without a pardon as in america never been judged by no one for her actions
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| Menace |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 8:42 AM | Message # 9 |
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Heads
Posts: 6764
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Quote (eboyd) As time went on more thorns arose,
And the buds began to wither,
And the red shade of each rose
Changed to violet as they closed,
But the bushes grew and grew,
Though much too large and quite askew.
It weathered winters far too cold
And summers far too hot,
And though others endured
They were but a small lot. As time went on more thorns arose,
And the buds began to wither how america lost her essence her moisture and u like present the current situation of america and u say like we must replace the current system
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 12:32 PM | Message # 10 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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PRECISELY! now, what do you think? where can i fix it? what do you see in the poem that needs improvement? if you can help me with this it would be much appreciated.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| Menace |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 2:52 PM | Message # 11 |
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Heads
Posts: 6764
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Quote (eboyd) PRECISELY! now, what do you think? where can i fix it? what do you see in the poem that needs improvement? if you can help me with this it would be much appreciated. i am not much of a critique or a fan of traditional poetry so in my perspective the poem is perfect this is my opinion
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| Lord_Meth |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 3:14 PM | Message # 12 |
Heads
Posts: 6627
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Is it talking about racism and how Barack change it....?
Sick With It
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 3:17 PM | Message # 13 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Quote (Menace) Quote (eboyd)
Within this soil was planted a seed,
A seed that was to grow,
And grow it did -- it did indeed;
It grew beyond the wildest of dreams
From bud to bush with roses of red,
But upon closer view thorns adorned their stems.
And so it grew and did not cease
And took its place without a pardon. the first verse is about how america came to be the seed is america and and how it grows and how it grown to be a world power but u say But upon closer view thorns adorned their stems as in the perfection that people present america like is not real if u look closer and u simply present how america stole the land from the indians and about americas imperialistic policies cause u say Until it grew beyond its garden And stole into its neighbor's soil and that says it all and the last part And took its place without a pardon as in america never been judged by no one for her actions
Quote (Menace) Quote (eboyd)
As time went on more thorns arose,
And the buds began to wither,
And the red shade of each rose
Changed to violet as they closed,
But the bushes grew and grew,
Though much too large and quite askew.
It weathered winters far too cold
And summers far too hot,
And though others endured
They were but a small lot. As time went on more thorns arose,
And the buds began to wither how america lost her essence her moisture and u like present the current situation of america and u say like we must replace the current system
Quote (eboyd) PRECISELY! now, what do you think? where can i fix it? what do you see in the poem that needs improvement? if you can help me with this it would be much appreciated. ^^^^as you can see, we've already established what it is about.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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| Lord_Meth |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 3:21 PM | Message # 14 |
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Heads
Posts: 6627
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hmph oh nvm then.....
Sick With It
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| eboyd |
Date: Saturday, 15/Nov/08, 3:23 PM | Message # 15 |
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Heads
Posts: 13145
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Quote (MethTheProphet) hmph oh nvm then..... do you see anything that needs improvement? i could REALLY use the advice. i would like to get published and i need to make it good if i want it to.
my new theme song
erikboyd60@hotmail.com
"True poetry can communicate before it is understood"
-T.S. Eliot
battle record:
7-0-0
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